The Best of 50 Shades of Ray

You've all heard about that shite book that's gettin muffs all over the world soakin wet, well fuck 50 Shades of Grey cos it's all about 50 Shades of Ray! Here are the best of me #50ShadesOfRay tweets in case you missed any of them. Enjoy...

'...as I approached her the unmistakeable smell of muff filled my nostrils, she was unconscious but that wasn't gonna stop me...'

'After I'd finished putting my cream inside her hairy profiterole I called her a cab, 'Ray doesn't do sleepovers' I said...'

'The juices coming from her muff resembled a cream of asparagus cup a soup and tasted like one too...'

'As she began to fellate my rigid member, I suddenly remembered I hadnt had a wash and probably tasted like a bag of Quavers.'

'She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen, "It's HD ready as well" I said "The footy looks boss on it"

'I left her muff looking like an overcooked Findus crispy pancake, oozing with the creamy chicken, bacon and sweetcorn filling'

'It was like trying to park a lorry in a shed. We needed lube so I grabbed a jar which turned out to be Vicks. Big mistake...'

'As I flopped my semi-erect member out the side of me boxies her eyes lit up. It was feeding time and sausage was on the menu...'

'I could still smell her on me fingers the next day, every time I picked me nose I hada flashback of her massive beef curtains' 

'"AMAZIN" she screamed as I slipped the 4th finger in her crevice, I used my thumb to play with her bean like a PS3 controller'

'She began to undress, she must have been abar 60 but Ray doesn't discriminate, she had tits like tennis balls in footy socks...' 

'I moved her knickers to the side and stuck it in... surely nobody would think to look for a gun in me Nan's knicker draw!?'

'I gripped her like a bowling ball (thumb in the pink & 2 in the stink) and massaged her internally until she screamed STRIKE'

'My custard chucker was ready to spew so I withdrew and aimed it towards her face, 5 seconds later she looked like an iced bun'

'She took hold of my fleshy baton like the final member of a relay team and set to work on jostling me to a climax'

'I tried 'sexting' but had corrective text on and said I wanted to 'kick her puppy' instead of 'lick her pussy'. RSPCA came.'

I shagged her that hard she told me she was still getting 'minge twinges' a week and a half later. I'm AMAZIN.

Ray's Top 10 weird 'crushes' (Part 2)

Right then here's part 2 of the non-obvious birds I'd smash. Enjoy.



5. Gabby Logan
Gabby, 39, used to be a gymnast so she's still probably dead flexible and that. I'd like her to do the splits on my face. After I'd smashed her we could talk about footy too and maybe even have a game of FIFA, I reckon she's boss at FIFA for a bird.

Gabby holding a life size replica of my nob.

4. Nigella Lawson
Nigella is 52... Fifty fucking two! But yet I'd still ruin her. Massive tits and she can cook me dinner after I've put my toad in her hole.

Tits on that.

3. Shobna Gulati (Sunita from Corrie)
Looking amazin for 45 and ever since she's started having this affair on Corrie I've wanted to have a go on her meself. Get on the picture of her below as well! #AMAZIN

2. Dame Helen Mirren
Feel a bit of a sicko for this one because she's 66 years old but fuck it. Best looking 66 year old I've ever seen.

 

 

 

1. Carol Vorderman

The ultimate MILF. 51 years old and still holds a place in Ray's wank bank. Not even the burnt kids on the Pride of Britain awards can put me off my stride when Carol's hosting. 

Carol and her daughter. Imagine that threesome!

 

AMAZIN!!!

Fak's Top 10 weird 'crushes' (Part 1)

I hate the word 'crush', this is just a list of non-obvious birds that I'd ruin. You're not gonna see Holly Willoughby in here, that's too obvious. Most of them are gonna be cougars and/or MILFs too. Oh and they're all British. ENJOY.

10. Kate Silverton
You might have seen Kate reading the news on BBC1 if you're dead clever and up to date with current affairs like me. She's 41 but still very much smashable. Don't know what it is that makes me wanna ruin her but I defo would! She's from Essex too so guaranteed to be a bit dirty like. AMAZIN.

9. Cherry Healey
Another one who I'm not quite sure what it is about her, she's just got one of those faces. She does documentaries and that on BBC 3 and swims naked in one of them, she's got decent arse and tits. AMAZIN.

8. Andrea McLean
If you're a student or unemployed you've definitely bashed one out over this bird when she's on Loose Women. She'd definitely get it but if she lived up to her name as a 'Loose woman' I'd have to opt for the back door instead. Picture below shows exactly why Andrea would get ruined. AMAZIN.

7. Natasha Kaplinsky
What is it with me and newsreaders? Do I find intelligent women sexy? Fuck knows. Natasha is more than smashable, I'd probably marry her. The pictures below are a regular feature in my wank bank. AMAZIN.

Decent tits for 39.

6. Claudia Winkleman
I can't believe Claudia's 40! I'd absolutely ruin her. I even resorted to watching a few episodes of 'Strictly: It Takes Two' just to have a little perv. Claudia's AMAZIN.

PART 2 Will be up in the next few days and will be even better...

Scouse United

If Liverpool was its own country we'd need a footy team so I've decided to make one. I've made a kit and everything, deffo got too much time on me hands. We're sponsored by Sayers (fuck Greggs) so free pasties for everyone, Rooney will love that the fat bastard. Decided to go with a 4-5-1 formation because there aren't that many Scouse strikers about. Had to stick Gerrard left mid but he can play anywhere.

***CLICK PICTURE TO MAKE IT BIGGER***

Fakadakis for PM

Here is my 10 point plan to make our country better.

1. Child Killers, Nonces, Rapists and other such scum shall be given a minimum prison sentence of 138 years in a 2 foot x 2 foot cell and only fed dry bread and water.

2. Tax the rich to help the poor.

3. Free cup-a-soups for everyone.

4. Male cleavage tops and chinos will be banned. Anyone seen wearing either of these items will be subject to a £1000 fine or death by firing squad.

5. Grey Goose Vodka will be subject to a 500% price increase (Twat Tax)

6. The National Anthem will be changed to Ferry Across the Mersey

7. Fat and smelly people will be banned from public transport and in severe cases they will be banned from appearing in public.

8. Sex education will include fingering techniques, for too long women have suffered because of poor fingering.

9. Free boob jobs on the NHS. (I love tits)

10. The photos on women's (18+) passports, driving licenses etc. will be replaced by a picture of their tits.

Comment and tell me if you agree with any of these and what things you'd include.

Sound.

The Fresh Prince of Old Swan

In West Derby born and raised
In the ale house is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out maxin relaxin all sound
And all shootin some footy outside of the ground
When a couple of cunts who were up to no good
Started makin trouble in me neighborhood
I got in one little fight and me ma wanted me gone
And said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Old Swan

I phoned for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said "Scouse", and it had one wing mirror
If anything I could say that this cab wasn't one
But I thought nah forget it, yo home to Old Swan

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie, "Tar mate, see ya later!"
Looked at my kingdom I was finally gone
To sit on me throne as the Prince of Old Swan

Ray's Motivational Playlist Part 1

I've got a playlist that I play to myself whenever I'm feeling down and need to be reminded that I'm AMAZIN. It also works as a workout/jogging playlist, a revision playlist and I've recently discovered it can work as a sex playlist. I will be composing an actual sex playlist soon so look out for that. Anyway here's Part 1 of the playlist...


The Lighthouse Family - Lifted
The bloke from The Lighthouse family is my second favourite black man behind Dave Benson-Phillips who used to present Get Your Own Back. I listen to this song most mornings while I look in the mirror and repeat 'I'm amazin' to myself 100 times. I honestly can't think of a better way to start the day. AMAZIN.

 




Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror
I sometimes chose to listen to this during my morning mirror ritual on the days when I'm not arsed about the Lighthouse Family.

R Kelly - World's Greatest
Really uplifting song, doesn't need explaining really but I will say I do not condone pissing on underage girls. That is not AMAZIN.  


Cast - Alright
Scouse band and this song just makes me feel AMAZIN! If you don't like Cast then you're a nobhead. End of discussion



David Bowie - Heroes
This song makes me think I could be a hero if only for one day, then it ends and I realise I already am a fuckin hero!



George Michael - Amazing
As the title suggests, this song is AMAZIN! You'll often hear this on at full volume in my house.

COME DINE WITH RAY

I wanna go on Come Dine With Me so I've decided to make my own dinner party menu. If you don't already know 'avec' means 'with' in French, I just thought I'd add a bit of French to make it dead sophisticated and that. I'm sure you'll agree the food all sounds AMAZIN. I've taken into consideration that some people are fussy bastards and don't eat meat so I've made the menu suitable for vegetarians because I'm dead considerate and don't discriminate. So who's coming to mine for a dinner party?

Fakadakis For Liverpool Manager

I've applied for the Liverpool job. Here's me CV, what do you think?

Thought I'd make a blog and that

Reached 3,000 followers and it seems a lot of people are liking my tweets so I have decided to start a blog. No idea what type of stuff I'm gonna write on here yet and I'm open to topic suggestions.