The Best of 50 Shades of Ray

You've all heard about that shite book that's gettin muffs all over the world soakin wet, well fuck 50 Shades of Grey cos it's all about 50 Shades of Ray! Here are the best of me #50ShadesOfRay tweets in case you missed any of them. Enjoy...

'...as I approached her the unmistakeable smell of muff filled my nostrils, she was unconscious but that wasn't gonna stop me...'

'After I'd finished putting my cream inside her hairy profiterole I called her a cab, 'Ray doesn't do sleepovers' I said...'

'The juices coming from her muff resembled a cream of asparagus cup a soup and tasted like one too...'

'As she began to fellate my rigid member, I suddenly remembered I hadnt had a wash and probably tasted like a bag of Quavers.'

'She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen, "It's HD ready as well" I said "The footy looks boss on it"

'I left her muff looking like an overcooked Findus crispy pancake, oozing with the creamy chicken, bacon and sweetcorn filling'

'It was like trying to park a lorry in a shed. We needed lube so I grabbed a jar which turned out to be Vicks. Big mistake...'

'As I flopped my semi-erect member out the side of me boxies her eyes lit up. It was feeding time and sausage was on the menu...'

'I could still smell her on me fingers the next day, every time I picked me nose I hada flashback of her massive beef curtains' 

'"AMAZIN" she screamed as I slipped the 4th finger in her crevice, I used my thumb to play with her bean like a PS3 controller'

'She began to undress, she must have been abar 60 but Ray doesn't discriminate, she had tits like tennis balls in footy socks...' 

'I moved her knickers to the side and stuck it in... surely nobody would think to look for a gun in me Nan's knicker draw!?'

'I gripped her like a bowling ball (thumb in the pink & 2 in the stink) and massaged her internally until she screamed STRIKE'

'My custard chucker was ready to spew so I withdrew and aimed it towards her face, 5 seconds later she looked like an iced bun'

'She took hold of my fleshy baton like the final member of a relay team and set to work on jostling me to a climax'

'I tried 'sexting' but had corrective text on and said I wanted to 'kick her puppy' instead of 'lick her pussy'. RSPCA came.'

I shagged her that hard she told me she was still getting 'minge twinges' a week and a half later. I'm AMAZIN.