Ray's Top 10 weird 'crushes' (Part 2)

Right then here's part 2 of the non-obvious birds I'd smash. Enjoy.



5. Gabby Logan
Gabby, 39, used to be a gymnast so she's still probably dead flexible and that. I'd like her to do the splits on my face. After I'd smashed her we could talk about footy too and maybe even have a game of FIFA, I reckon she's boss at FIFA for a bird.

Gabby holding a life size replica of my nob.

4. Nigella Lawson
Nigella is 52... Fifty fucking two! But yet I'd still ruin her. Massive tits and she can cook me dinner after I've put my toad in her hole.

Tits on that.

3. Shobna Gulati (Sunita from Corrie)
Looking amazin for 45 and ever since she's started having this affair on Corrie I've wanted to have a go on her meself. Get on the picture of her below as well! #AMAZIN

2. Dame Helen Mirren
Feel a bit of a sicko for this one because she's 66 years old but fuck it. Best looking 66 year old I've ever seen.

 

 

 

1. Carol Vorderman

The ultimate MILF. 51 years old and still holds a place in Ray's wank bank. Not even the burnt kids on the Pride of Britain awards can put me off my stride when Carol's hosting. 

Carol and her daughter. Imagine that threesome!

 

AMAZIN!!!

Fak's Top 10 weird 'crushes' (Part 1)

I hate the word 'crush', this is just a list of non-obvious birds that I'd ruin. You're not gonna see Holly Willoughby in here, that's too obvious. Most of them are gonna be cougars and/or MILFs too. Oh and they're all British. ENJOY.

10. Kate Silverton
You might have seen Kate reading the news on BBC1 if you're dead clever and up to date with current affairs like me. She's 41 but still very much smashable. Don't know what it is that makes me wanna ruin her but I defo would! She's from Essex too so guaranteed to be a bit dirty like. AMAZIN.

9. Cherry Healey
Another one who I'm not quite sure what it is about her, she's just got one of those faces. She does documentaries and that on BBC 3 and swims naked in one of them, she's got decent arse and tits. AMAZIN.

8. Andrea McLean
If you're a student or unemployed you've definitely bashed one out over this bird when she's on Loose Women. She'd definitely get it but if she lived up to her name as a 'Loose woman' I'd have to opt for the back door instead. Picture below shows exactly why Andrea would get ruined. AMAZIN.

7. Natasha Kaplinsky
What is it with me and newsreaders? Do I find intelligent women sexy? Fuck knows. Natasha is more than smashable, I'd probably marry her. The pictures below are a regular feature in my wank bank. AMAZIN.

Decent tits for 39.

6. Claudia Winkleman
I can't believe Claudia's 40! I'd absolutely ruin her. I even resorted to watching a few episodes of 'Strictly: It Takes Two' just to have a little perv. Claudia's AMAZIN.

PART 2 Will be up in the next few days and will be even better...

Scouse United

If Liverpool was its own country we'd need a footy team so I've decided to make one. I've made a kit and everything, deffo got too much time on me hands. We're sponsored by Sayers (fuck Greggs) so free pasties for everyone, Rooney will love that the fat bastard. Decided to go with a 4-5-1 formation because there aren't that many Scouse strikers about. Had to stick Gerrard left mid but he can play anywhere.

***CLICK PICTURE TO MAKE IT BIGGER***

Fakadakis for PM

Here is my 10 point plan to make our country better.

1. Child Killers, Nonces, Rapists and other such scum shall be given a minimum prison sentence of 138 years in a 2 foot x 2 foot cell and only fed dry bread and water.

2. Tax the rich to help the poor.

3. Free cup-a-soups for everyone.

4. Male cleavage tops and chinos will be banned. Anyone seen wearing either of these items will be subject to a £1000 fine or death by firing squad.

5. Grey Goose Vodka will be subject to a 500% price increase (Twat Tax)

6. The National Anthem will be changed to Ferry Across the Mersey

7. Fat and smelly people will be banned from public transport and in severe cases they will be banned from appearing in public.

8. Sex education will include fingering techniques, for too long women have suffered because of poor fingering.

9. Free boob jobs on the NHS. (I love tits)

10. The photos on women's (18+) passports, driving licenses etc. will be replaced by a picture of their tits.

Comment and tell me if you agree with any of these and what things you'd include.

Sound.